Learning How to Love Yourself
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I just got out of a relationship. Not a long one, but the significance is that it was the first woman I’ve been with since my ex-wife. Without going into much detail, I’ve put myself through the ringer the past few weeks. I entered a dark place and was forced to face my demons. We wanted different things. She, a casual relationship. Me, I don’t seem to know how to have a casual relationship. Old patterns of attachment and neediness arose for me and I struggled to deal with them.
Over time I started to let go, and exiting the situation liberated me. It’s time to move on.
I’ve noticed though, that I am constantly reaching out to people. I find myself racking my brain for who to call, who to make plans with, who to occupy my time. Even though I’m no longer in this relationship, the neediness continues. It hit me yesterday that I need to re-learn how to be alone. I don’t need anything or anyone to keep me from sinking, I just need to start treading water. Sure, having others around to swim with is nice, but they aren’t my lifeguards.
I’ve been spending a lot of time “working” on things. Analyzing my “issues” and addressing them. I’ve thought that this is how I will improve myself, this is how I will feel better. If only I can just “fix” myself. Then I read a post by Jamie Catto that changed the way I look at things. In it he says,
…choosing to take actions…or ‘work’ on a certain personal issue feels unloving to myself where I am right NOW. As if doing so is making a statement that ‘Jamie is not OK like this, we need to make changes’. How violent that feels to me now…The whole notion of ‘working on myself’ feels unloving to Me right now. It feels like a statement of lack, of judgment that something about me should be other than it is.
His answer is self-love. To observe, to accept, and “to choose the most inspiring and non violent paths open to me to experience this unique collection of my ‘ways’, easy and challenging, in a creative, fun and loving life.” He thinks that rather than consciously trying to fix issues, loving yourself is the way to ultimately lead to shifts within.
This is a big revelation. That by actively choosing to work on our “problems” we are admitting that there is something wrong with us. No wonder I am so anxious. No wonder there is so much anxiety in general. If there’s anything that I’ve learned in talking with all sorts of different people, it’s that we are all messed up in one way or another. Which should mean that we are all normal. So if we’re all normal, why are we so hard on ourselves and intent on making “improvements”? Without getting too conspiracy-theory crazy, there is a massive self-help industry whose best interests are to keep us feeling inadequate. And I’ve given them enough money.
I like this notion of self-love, and I intend on practicing it. I think if we can learn to love ourselves we can be more loving towards others in a true sense, not in a way that is intended to fill our own holes. Perhaps I’ve been using love as a fishing lure of sorts, throwing it out there as bait in the hopes that I get something back that fulfills me. If I am fulfilled on my own, then this behavior is unnecessary, and this will cause the shifts in me that I’ve been trying consciously to work on.
What do you think? Could you use more self-loving yourself? Or do you think that analyzing and addressing issues is the way to go?